TMI Throwback: Sex and Romance

This TMI throwback comes from February 28th of this year.  The topic that day for TMI Tuesday was Sex and Romance.  The WordPress gang asked: "Who doesn't enjoy a little romance or the art of seduction before engaging in sex?  Often times the prelude is better than the actual event."

I agree wholeheartedly.  So here are the answers to the questions I chose:

What's more important, a romantic relationship or your career?

this is difficult to answer, many years ago it would have been a no-brainer, and now I'm not so sure.  All through my high school and college years, I was focused on getting my shit together.  Get the education, get the career, make your mark.  THEN look for love.  Well, I'm in my 30s and have neither career nor partner.  Careers can be satisfying and sustain you, but they're hardly enough.  In the last year I've been working on getting my professional life moving in the direction I want for many reasons, but among them I may never partner or have children.  Thus having something that gives me satisfaction and something to do with my time becomes very important.

I want a partner.  I want children of my own and have seriously considered fostering and adoption once I have more financial stability.  I have a manageable, genetic health condition which sometimes knocks me on my ass.  It has several times in the last year to different degrees of severity.  So I know going it alone as a single parent is not exactly wise.  Nor do I have a support system in place to help me.

But as to which is more important?  Neither.  Fremily is most important.  A rather interesting woman I know introduced me to the term "fremily".  I don't know if she coined it, but it's my new favorite word.  Fremily is friends and family.  The genetic people who truly are your family, and the non-genetic family (very good friends) who are close enough to be considered family.  Those who are your nearest and dearest.  Where you are always welcome, and remembered during good times and bad.

I'm blessed to have some truly wonderful people in my life, almost ALL of them are a minimum 3 hour drive away.  Gets rather frustrating when I want to hang out or if I'm having a particularly bad day/week/etc.  Gas is expensive and the modern world keeps everyone ridiculously busy.  So if I can't have a partner, I want a fremily.  Jobs come and go.  Careers can be built, rebuilt, or shifted laterally.  Fremily, once built, is forever.  I can be sister and aunt PP and be very fulfilled that way.  These days, I'm focused on being the member of a fremily or three.

So neither.  Whyever would I want to be the same as everyone else?  ;)

You love to role play in the bedroom, which one of these is more likely to be your kink?
a. doctor and the naughty nurse
b. you're the gardener, I'm the hoe
c. persnickety principal and the wayward pupil that needs a spanking
d. me Tarzan, you Jane
e. scatter-brained boss and the seductive secretary

hmmmm.  I'm rather new to roll-play, and mostly via sexting or sexy IM.  I rather enjoy it.  I have to say option C-- principal and student.  I've recently been able to experiment with spanking, and I REALLY like it.

REALLY like it.

A friend helped me experiment, and I think he really enjoyed it as well.  When we've sexted, we usually do it along the lines of teacher/student.  That works well for me.  I also like the idea of Me Tarzan, you Jane.  Never played that particular game, but there's something about the idea of controlled dominance that appeals to me.  The carefully controlled fantasy of being taken against a wall, over a couch, etc.  That turns me on.

When you want sex, who tends to make the first move?
a. Me! I like to go for what I want.
b. It varies. Sometimes my partner/significant other/date or sometimes me.
c. Oh definitely the other person.  Even if I want it, I'm not about to admit such a thing.
d. I drop subtle hints hoping s/he will pick up on it.

Weeeeellllll, I'll drop hints but I don't know how subtle they always are.  So D is part true.  As to C, it's not that I'm opposed to admitting I want sex, but I don't have a good track record when it comes to rejection.  So I'm not very confident initiating.  A is difficult for me where the bedroom is concerned.  B is always the ideal, of course.  I would be much happier/more comfortable if I had a partner who initiated often.  Then I'd be more confident as the initiator.

When it comes to lovemaking, select the answer that best describes you/your attitudes:
a. vanilla -- meets society's middle of the road standards
b. adventurous
c. kinky
d. trisexual -- I will try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. --Mae West

A, B, or C depending on my mood.  Quietly vanilla in missionary position can be very intense emotionally, and delightfully intimate.  Adventurous and kinky can also be fun.  I have a lot of things on my sex bucket list to cross off under those two categories.

But you can FORGET about D.  Some things are just NOT sanitary.  Some things aren't to my taste.  And some things....   I love Mae, though.  "When I'm bad, I'm very bad, but when I'm good I'm even better"  :D

You want to seduce that sexy someone, what is the sweet-nothing that you'll whisper in his/her ear?

When thinking about my most recent flirtation, actual whispering didn't work.  Most of our interaction was WAY too public.  Certain types of pictures were very effective.  >:)  Going commando, and telling him, got nice reactions.  As did asking for a spanking.  We had a LOT of intellectual foreplay via text.  I've gotten some great masturbation sessions out of them.  Sadly, I moved out of state and we don't get to play live any more.  Such is life.


BONUS: What's your idea of a romantic getaway?

This is actually VERY easy.  Someplace private in the woods near a body of water.  Hills or mountains a bonus.  Nature, beauty, quiet.  The ability to walk around in my birthday suit wherever I want.  A fireplace, a screened porch, places to walk and hike and watch and enjoy.  During cold weather the enforced solitude would be nice.  So would enduring lots of storms.  Wonderful to watch and listen to.  As long as there is plenty of food, indoor plumbing, and A/C in case of extreme heat ......  sign me up!

Saying the words

There are many different ways of expressing love and affection.  Gary Chapman breaks it down into 5 distinct love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch(1).  Different people have specific styles, and preferences, for both giving and receiving affection.  Sometimes people, such as myself, are a mix of more than one style.  When I first took the assessment(2) I wasn't surprised to learn that one of my top two preferred methods of recieving is quality time.  I was surprised to learn that almost tied with that is physical touch.  But it made sense looking at the questions.  Something I yearn for, and don't get nearly enough of, is time with loved ones and lots of good deep hugs and cuddles.

But I digress.  This entry is about words.  One of the ways I try to show affection is through words of affirmation.  Remembering to say thank you and tell people how much I appreciate them.  I find this is especially helpful with long distance relationships.  Most of my nearest and dearest are several hours away by car, and three require a plane ticket.  Also, many people in my life aren't touchy feely like I am.  Some of it has to do with place and time.  One friend, Louis, always gives me a loose hug.  I tease him about that.  But when I've had need he has held my hand, albeit in a private situation.

I am a word nerd.  I LOVE rhetoric, vocabulary, and learning word origins.  I studied communications in college and learned the axiom "words construct reality".  You can learn a lot about a person from what words they use and how they use them.  About their upbringing and opinions.  Then when I started studying alternative medicine I learned the axiom "thoughts construct reality".  So philosophy, medicine, and communications are blending with modern physics.  For these reasons, I choose my words carefully as much as possible.  I do not wish to offend, but beyond that I do not wish to reveal parts of myself to unknown individuals.  And I wish to construct my reality in the way that best benefits me.

Easier said than done.

There are times, though, that I need words.  One particular friend, Jenny, she NEVER hangs up the phone or says goodbye from a physical visit without telling me she loves me.  She also gives really long, tight hugs.  The kind you can sink into and never want to leave.  A Deaf-World hug if you will.  Both do my heart good.  I never heard those words enough as a child, or at least that's how it felt for a long time.  Nor did I hear my parents often tell me they were proud.  My father has gotten much better about it since I left home, but he tends to say "love ya, kid".  I've come to understand that my father is more about quality time and acts of service.  My mother acts of service, gift giving, and quality time.

But there are times that I really NEED the words.  Although, when my emotional needs are being met, the words become less important.  I'm secure in my life and in my relationships.  Refer to my other blog, Tales of Recovery, if you wish more insight into how my twisted little mind works.  The entry about my brother, Josh, speaks very keenly to my relationship with my parents.

So what made me think to write this blog now, today?  Last night before bed, I told Louis that I love him.  I don't know if I've done so before, or in that way, but for some reason it felt important for me to tell him.  We often text off and on throughout the day, and check in one last time before bed.  I texted "Good night, Louis. I love you."  He responded with a smiley face, which is what I'd expect from him.  Louis means a lot to me, and has really helped me get through some shit since the beginning of this year.  Louis is far less about words, and more about sharing himself.  For Louis, quality time via text or IM is his way of showing support.  It is an act of service.

Overachiever that he is, he combines 2 into 1.  ;)

I should clarify that Louis is VERY happily married.  I do not have designs on him.  I value him in a myriad of ways and would never do anything to upset his apple cart.  We have fun flirtations from time to time, but it doesn't go beyond that.

I didn't expect Louis to say the words back, nor do I ever expect him to do so.  I imagine he saves those for his wife, children, mother, and sister.  Maybe a few other select few.  Louis does use other words quite a bit, affirming a person's worth and abilities.  But those "three magic words" that can help or wound depending on the relationship have not passed his lips.  And again, I don't expect it.  Telling him I love him last night wasn't exactly MY need, but for some reason it felt appropriate.  Maybe a little voice in my head said he needed a pick me up.  Maybe it felt like a good time to actually tell him outright.  I don't know.  Words of love are not to be taken lightly or bandied about.In all actuality we have been friends for a very short span of time.  An INTENSE span of time in my world, and I'd classify our friendship as strong, deep, and nuanced. 

When the L word is uttered, the individual have any expectation to hear them back.  Actual love means taking a person as s/he is.  Not wanting to change the other to suit your own wants or needs.  An act of love is freely given without the prospect of reciprocity.  Too often the phrase "I love you" is uttered casually, inappropriately even.  It's used to manipulate.  It's said to placate.  It flows freely without any real emotion behind it.

I VEHEMENTLY disagree with this.

Now, the English language does stink and the phrase "I love you" can be used to communicate a great deal of friendship, respect, or admiration for a person.  I can also be used ironically.  I admit to being guilty of this on a semi-regular basis.  Someone will tease me, saying something truthful with a slight edge.  I'll respond "I love you, too" but the words "thanks for that" can achieve the same meaning.  We also use the word love to connote a great degree of enjoyment.  Some people love ice cream.  Many other languages give different options.  Such is life.

But when using the phrase, I love you, I would far prefer to NOT hear them than have them used without their true intention.  Though, again, not all people use words.  There are many people in my life that I KNOW love me dearly.  Saying the words isn't their thing.  Their deeds, support, gifts speak volumes.  Understanding the love languages has helped me realize how much more there is to intimacy than previously realized.  Part of me understood, but it had never been spelled out to me before.  Making time for someone who is in need when your own life is hectic and in the toilet, THAT is love.

Louis is my friend.  I care for him tremendously, and he probably already knew it.  Now I have said the words.  I may never say them again, or not in such an earnest manner.  I know he cares for me in the way he listens and supports me.  I know he trusts me becuase of the things he has shared with me.  Things I'll wager he hasn't shared with many others.  He goes out of his way to make me smile when I'm having a bad day.  And much to my consternation, he is one of the few individuals who can make me blush.

I have said the words.  There is no need to say them again, although I may.  We show each other through respect, listening, and quality time that we value our relationship.  And THAT my friends is more than love, it's intimacy.  Because as any wise adult will tell you, sometimes love just isn't enough.



1- I highly reccomend checking out the site and taking the assessments.  Very interesting.  The books are worth a read also.  But be warned, they are mostly written from a married couples and Judeo-Christian perspective.

2- When I intially took the assessment, I did it from the wives perspective.  The assessment for singles wasn't yet available.  I took it in book form, instead of internet form, which I preferred.  The assessment consists of 50/50 type questions, much like the Myers Briggs personality tool.  I am FAR more complex, and picking one is semi-difficult.   Every time I take Myers Briggs I can't choose JUST one on most of the questions.  I pretty much split down the middle except for the 4th.  I am DEFINITELY a J archetpe.   So when scoring my love languages assessment I gave myself many half points.  The results were still very telling, though.

TNH: Urban, Old-Fashioned

The photos for this week's TNH were taken at the same time as last week's-- sneaking around at my friend's while crashing with her in town.  E lives in a very old, 7 story building.  It's a converted hotel.  I experimented with taking photos of the skyline, parking lot, etc but couldn't figure out how to get a shot other than hanging my leg out the window.

Which I did, but it scared the snot out of me.  I was balancing out an open window WITHOUT a handhold and trying not to drop my smart phone.  I succeeded in getting a shot, but wanted to do something more.

Then it occurred to me, the old elevator!!!

(circa 1920)

This thing is old, slow and LOUD.  You have to heave the outer door open, and the grate when boarded and exiting.  The wooden outer door will try to close on you if you're not careful.  And once inside, you must NOT close the grate.  When you select your floor, the elevator slams the grate shut with a loud clang.  If you shut it manually, the old biddy thinks it has arrived at it's destination.  You'll be stuck until someone else summons it to another level.

(yep, that's solid)

Thankfully I didn't have this experience because my friend warned me of it several times.  It's also very small, nor are the halls/elevator climate controlled.  Being stuck inside could get very ugly, very quickly.

But it might also make a nice, private space for a tryst.  :D

assume the position

And then.......................

Oh yes, right THERE, PLEASE, Sir!

And remember kids, Safety First!  :D

Don't forget to visit The Naughty Hangout to see who else played this week.  And for those of you who can't get enough of my legs, I posted some extra shots 'specially for you over on Tumblr

:-*

TMI Tuesday: What's the Question?

The TMI guys provided the Answer, now I must provide the question.  I thought these were kinda difficult, but here goes.


1. Answer: my butt
What's as white as Casper, the friendly ghost?

2. Answer: stiletto black leather pumps
What was the Domme wearing when she walked across her bottom's back?


3. Answer: hard and stiff
What's my favorite breakfast?


4. Answer: "By George, I think he's got it!"
Was Bobby finally able to find your G-spot?


5. Answer: socks
What's an easy, discrete way to hide your dildo?

TMI--Tiny Bubbles

Last summer I visited a friend of mine out in rural Illinois, near the Indiana border. Her family had FINALLY acquired a nice piece of property after trying for years. Three bedrooms, so both kids finally have their own. Living room, country kitchen, spare room. Car port, back deck area. Five acres of woods, hills, and some cleared space. It has an old well, and a prairie area for the horses. Finally getting their horses on THEIR property was incredible for them. A fire pit area, a woodland creek, a beautiful meadow in the middle of the woods.

My dog was in HEAVEN!

I enjoyed myself also. My friend's daughter is my favorite neice, and I never get to spend enough time with her. She's growing up so fast I can't believe my eyes. My dog and I had several very nice days decompressing away from the city.

The last full day there, I took a bath. And not just A bath, but a jacuzzi bath. Their combo tub/shower is a mini-whirlpool. Long enough for me to sit with my legs stretched out all the way, plus a bit of wiggle room. The sides are very tall, so I was able to stretch back with good support behind me and feel nicely ensconsed. I carry ALL my stress in my hips and thighs, so I threw in the epsom salts and had a VERY nice, long soak. I played with the location and pressure on the various jets, getting every nook and cranny I had. I'm fairly flexible, and there are SO many jets in that particular tub, that I was able to aim the pulsing water at every knot and overstretched tendon I had.

It was HEAVENLY. I didn't know I could be that loose. Then, wonderfully relaxed, I turned my attention towards other things.

I've never masturbated in a whirlpool before, but GODDESS it was incredible. So many choices for positions, pressure, speeds..... I was even able to tilt my pelvis directly into one of the jets, so that as the water rushed forward on full speed and pressure, it almost felt like I was being penetrated by the most fabulously flexible dildo.

Rarely have I had such a good orgasm.

I was in there almost two full hours.

Now, that time includes somehow standing up, rinsing off, and washing my hair. I had to lie there for quite awhile before I could get to my feet. LOL I did my best to be quiet; after all it was the middle of the afternoon and four people sat no more than 20 feet away in the next room. My friend, her husband, my 8 year old neice and 13 year old nephew! There is NO WAY the adults didn't know what else I was doing in there, :D but the sounds of the motor and jets created a lot of noise on its own.

When I finally emerged, I think I lay down for a nap, but I don't remember. That was certainly the highlight of my day. :) I've been meaning to get back there for a visit. I love and miss my neice and her mom, but DAMN I want time in that tub again. >:-D

TMI Tuesday-- The Comfort and Thrill of Sex

These are the questions from last week, Tuesday, July 31, The Comfort and Thrill of Sex.  With how busy my life is, I will be pre-schedule posts whenever possible, so these won't correspond to the weekly TMI Tuesday.  I had intended to put this up NEXT Tuesday and be really late, but I'm having so much fun with other people's that I decided to get it up today.  Please excuse the various formatting discrepancies.  I tried to get it how I wanted but finally gave up from frustration.  So without further ado, TMI Tuesday.  You're getting my answers, AND some extra details for inquiring minds.  Feel free to ask follow-up questions in the comments section!!  I have a communication fetish.  ;)

1. How do you feel about giving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I'm ok with it.
d. I don't enjoy it at all.
e. I have never given anal sex.
f. I have never given anal sex, but would like to start.

I've been hoping to start a D/s relationship with a local man.  He really enjoys pegging, and that's something that's been on my fantasy list for a looooooong time.  I'll keep you posted!  ;)

2. How do you feel about receiving anal sex (penetration with penis, finger or sex toys)?
a. I love it.
b. I enjoy it.
c. I’m ok with it.
d. I don’t enjoy it at all.e. I have never received anal sex.
f. I have never received anal sex, but would like to start.

I've never actually experienced anal, but it's something I'm interested in trying with the right man.  I've had a reoccurring fantasy of having one lover in my pussy, and one in my ass, for a very long time.  I know that it takes timing, trust, and practice.  Especially trust and comfort level.  I'd have to get 'the anal down' first.  Course, I REALLY prefer a thick cock in my pussy.  Length is great, too. Asses don't stretch the way pussies do, even with training.  It's not always feasible.
Maybe some day.....

3. How do you feel about getting undressed in front of a new lover, for the first time, as he/she watches you?a. It’s a turn on for me.
b. It turns me on a little bit.
c. I like it, but only because it gets him/her going.
d. It does nothing for me.
e. I don’t like doing it because I am shy.
f. I don’t like doing it because I think it’s immoral/improper.

I had to re-read this one a few times, because my initial answer had me highlighting more than B and E.  How I get undressed depends on my mood, energy level, et al.  I tend to be VERY shy with my lovers, not until a great deal of comfort level and trust is built up.  I've shown more of my body, more times and more boldly, to one specific close online friend that I think I have to ANY of my former lovers.  But our connection is INCREDIBLY emotionally intimate and I treasure that.  

Yes, all lovers have seen me naked.  Yes, I'll walk around when done but more because I don't want to bother with getting dressed.  But to actually deliberately undress.... that kind of intimacy takes me a long time.  When I know how much that he really wants me, and appreciates me on multiple levels.  I've never had a lover undress me before.  That's yet another level of intimacy, trust, and love.  I've yet to have a lover connect with me that deeply, or want to do those things for me.  Fingers crossed

It's goofy because I'd walk around naked as a jay bird with no compunction in clothing optional and clothing casual households.  So, lots of my friends' homes, and my own home depending on company.  lol  I have no compunction about stripping down in front of a medical professional or masseur.  We all have the same parts more or less.  Sex does complicate things.

4. Do you express your sexual pleasure with moans, groans, sighs, and other noises (provided that you are actually turned on)?
a. Yes, each time I have sex (90-100% of the time).
b. Yes, on most occasions (70-89% of the time).
c. Yes, on some occasions (40-69% of the time).
d. Yes, on a few occasions (10-39% of the time).
e. Yes, but only on special occasions (1-9% of the time).
f. Never, not even when I am really turned on.

I honestly have NO idea, that's a question for one of my ex-lovers.  But none of them were worth staying with very long, relationship or sexually.  I know I can be VERY loud.  And I like to be loud.  I really hate having to keep quite.  One of the joys of living with roommates, and knowing family members are in the house.  One day I'll be able to let go as much and as loudly as possible.  My best guess is that we're in A to B range for this one.

5. Do you talk to your partner in a sexually explicit way?
a. Talking dirty is one of our favorite activities.
b. Occasionally, I like to talk dirty with my partner, and I do it with ease.
c. I talk dirty with my partner, but it feels awkward.
d. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but I don’t dare for fear of being judged or ridiculed.
e. I would like to talk dirty with my partner, but she/he isn’t into it.
f. I don’t talk in such a way because I think it is inappropriate.
g. I don’t talk in such a way because I can’t bring myself to do it.

I'm gonna diddle with semantics here on this one.  Define talking "dirty"?  I can be VERY explicit sometimes, and really get into it on occasion.  So, answer B.  But I REALLY enjoy intellectual foreplay, double entendres, and all kinds of witty flirting.  That doesn't have to be dirty or explicit.  It can last minutes, hours, or days building things up deliciously.  Since it's foreplay and thus sexually related, I'd consider it talking dirty in this context.  That makes it answer A.

A smart man with a good vocabulary who wields his tongue skillfully around the spoken word ..... sexy as hell!  Smart and well-spoken are two things I always look for in a playmate.

6. What kind of animal do you most sound like when building to a climax?
a. quiet little mouse
b. low moaning wolf
c. screeching beluga whale

Ummm, D-- none of the above?  I know I'm not quiet, and I've no idea what a beluga whale sounds like.  Have a bit of an idea what a wolf sounds like so that's not quite right either.

Anyone want to come over and play?  We can find out the answer together!  :D

Bonus: Which do you prefer comfort sex or thrill-seeking sex? Why?

That one is easy on the surface-- comfort sex.  But reading Jack's answer made me reconsider my original post to be a little more specific.  I enjoy thrills on occasion, and trying things new.  I've gotten MANY wonderful ideas reading people's blogs and erotica online, not to mention several satisfying masturbation sessions.  I RARELY fuck, though sometimes it can be fun.  For me, sex is about intimacy and connection.  That's why I named this blog the way I did.  I make love.  I value intimacy and strong relationships more than I do sexual acts.


But then, I'm relatively inexperienced sexually.  I didn't pop my cherry until just before my 30th birthday.  And my lovers haven't exactly been someone to write home about.  Eventually I shall have a decent lover, I have faith.  :)  For now I need more lovemaking, more true intimacy in my life in the physical realm.  But that is fodder for later posts.

There is FAR more to lovemaking beyond sex, much of it isn't even sexually related.  The quiet peace of cuddling someone you love.  The joy of an evening walk holding hands.  Lovemaking.  To be shared with friends, parents, children, AND lovers.  This is the type of thing Jack mentions.  The 'little things' that make relationships special, and help them last.  Also for me, though, the THRILL of sex comes from the connection, the trust, the history you've built together.  Finding new ways to keep that alive, and push each other further.  To be better for you, for them, for each other.  In AND out of the bedroom.

Remember kids, follow up comments and questions are WELCOME!

TNH: The Maiden Voyage

For my very first TNH I wracked my brain. I had lots of ideas, but no good way to execute them on my own. Not to mention the risk of arrest. Even at midnight. My summer home is rural, but not THAT rural.

Staying with a friend in town this week, mulling over options, an idea hit me. An obvious contrast!

This is my friend's bed. Notice the blue sheet above the traditionally floral box springs? I thought it would work well.  It's only one theme, and an alternate one at that. But I'm the new girl, so I'm hoping you'll be nice  ;)

I will also mention that my friend's apartment is a studio. So I was quietly setting up and taking shots in various stages of undress with her sleeping scant feet from me in the easy chair!  So that's your extra bit of TMI titillation for the day >:)

I twisted and turned and did my best to prop and position my smart phone. This is a LOT harder than you all make it look. I.was hoping to get the shots well aligned for a rollover, but sadly it wasn't meant to be this week.

The final result:

I did it. Rather proud of myself for popping my TNH cherry and joining our naughty little group. Perhaps in time I'll graduate to rollovers. After all, your first time is always the worst ;)