Tuesday, October 16, 2012

TMI Tuesday: Can we JUST be friends?

This week's TMI questions come from Erotic Adventures in Brisneyland.

Can we JUST be friends?

1.  Have you ever had a friendship with a someone where you secretly (or not so secretly) desired them?
     Yes, more than once.  And I'm pretty sure it wasn't a secret.  I'm not the most sophisticated in these matters.  In one instance the male and I drove pretty much ALL of our mutual friends and acquaintances NUTS tap dancing around our attraction.  We both worked third shift and so spent pretty much all our spare time together.  Nothing ever happened, and we were very comfortable with each other.  Thankfully I don't desire anyone in my life right now.  Find attractive, yes.  Does it interfere? No.
    That's not to say that IF given the opportunity I wouldn't SERIOUSLY consider turning myself into NV's sex slave for an indeterminate amount of time.  ;)  I have two very good friendships with people right now and we've had chemistry in recent history, but that phase seems to have passed.  One I've known for 20 years, the other less than one [year].  I value my friendships with them more than a possible tryst.  
     But to that end I WILL say:



2.  Are you prone to jealousy, suspicion or insecurity when your partner spends time with an attractive close friend without you?  Why?
     Being that I've never really been partnered, I'm unable to answer this question.  I HOPE the answer would be no.  If I'm to be involved in any type of semi-serious relationship with someone, I would have to trust him.  If I didn't then it's a problem on many levels.  And considering that several of my oldest, deepest connections have been with males and some of those people are still in my life.....  Unlike Harry Burns I DO believe that men and women (attractive, unattached heterosexual people) are capable of being friends without sex getting in the way.  Good friends.  And come on, what do gay people do?  Only have close friendships with people of the OPPOSITE gender?  Grow up!
    
If my partner doesn't trust me, it's a problem.  If I don't trust him, it's a problem.  If one of us doesn't trust the other's FRIEND, well that's a whole other can of worms and something that needs to be discussed.  I do not WANT to be everyone and everything to someone I'm dating/fucking, whatever.  It's exhausting and unhealthy.  I need my space and downtime.  I want and EXPECT the same for anyone I might date.
     Sure I get insecure in my relationships (all types), but that's ME and MY issues.  And frankly, nothing settles me down faster and better than venting it out of my system.  Meaning-- going over it ad nauseaum with various friends.  Some male, some female.  I rotate them depending on what I need, how busy everyone is, and if I've been leaning too heavily upon one person or another.  It may seem like I'm fixating unhealthily, but that's how I work through the fear and frustration.  (if it DOES hit the unhealthy stage, I do have people keeping an eye on me who'll let me know)  Putting it on the back burner emotionally tends to worsen how I feel and lengthen "recovery" time.  Through this method I get to be heard, validated, and sometimes suggestions are given. 
     Though I will say here GUYS that if I'm venting about something troublesome, I want the validation not the problem solving.  When I'm ready for that step, I'll ask.  If I'm fighting your suggestions then I'm not there yet.  When the big girl panties come on, you'll know.



3.  H
as a previously platonic friendship ever bloomed into a sexual relationship?
     Not quite.  My first lover and I alternately acknowledged and ignored our attraction for almost 2 years.  He was in relationships near non-stop during that time.  We were good friends and played the role of placeholder for each other quite a bit.  His partners were jealous of ME, but that's because he told me his good friend far more than he told them.  Emotional affair should have been his middle name those days.  Now I know better.  We fooled around but only finally took the next step when he'd been single for awhile.  You may or may not define what we had as technically platonic.  I don't.  As for the other possibility, it was pretty much a one night stand.  I've only seen him once since that and spoken to him a handful of times.  None of which has occurred in the last year.  That's the individual mentioned in number 1 from last week.  EEK!


4.  Have you ever remained close friends with an ex-lover?
     Donkey Boy (nickname for first lover, private joke) and I were very close, and then not.  I moved out of state four years ago, and we've continued on with our lives.  I rarely hear from him or anyone in his family.  At first it made me sad, but for the most part I've let it go.  I enjoyed being part of his fremily, and I miss it.  However, that clan is VERY screwed up on many levels at this point and I'm sure it's healthier for me to have that separation.  I send birthday and Christmas cards, see FB updates.  He got married last weekend, and I had to find out about THAT via FB which pissed me off.  A good mutual friend married them (I'm aunt to the clergy's children) so not hearing about it ......  I won't go there.  Still processing.  But if Donkey Boy were to pick up the phone and call, ours is a friendship that we can talk as if it had only been 2 days instead of almost 2 years since our last conversation.  It's that type of thing.  That I know where he is and is doing well I count as a positive.  My other lovers..... NOT so much.

Bonus
:  Have you ever developed feelings for a "friend with benefits"?  How did it develop, unfold, resolve?
     I've only had one 'relationship' that I would classify a "friend with benefits" and that's stretching it.  We weren't friends.  We met via an online network aimed at casual sex, spent some time together, and deliberately became fuck-buddies.  That's all it was MEANT to be.  I enjoyed his company for a time, and as his behavior changed I enjoyed it less so.  HE was developing if not feelings than the transparent want for something less casual.  Before I could address it to either re-establish terms or walk away he crossed some MAJOR MAJOR lines.  Some of which may or may not be illegal depending upon the state, statutes, and jury.  I have not seen, heard, or spoken to him since mid October 2010 and I do not wish to.  I still have his contact information in my email account and cell-phone JUST in case he should try to reach me.  I want to know so that I can ignore, block, etc as necessary.

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!


8 comments:

  1. I had to giggle when you spoke about needing validation without problem-solving... I swear it's the way guys are wired. I tell Taz over and over that I just want a sympathetic ear, not a lecture in what I should be doing about it but he just doesn't get it!

    Happy TMI!

    ~Kazi xxx

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    1. yeah. some of the men in my life get it, some don't. and some, like my dad, tend to automatically go to the problem-solve place. tho if I'm REALLY far gone he puts on his therapist had and gets me to walk through it. Papa just wants to make it better for his Princess ;)

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  2. I am so loving that you nicknamed an ex-lover "Donkey Boy". I giggled.

    Great answers! Happy Tuesday!

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    1. several girlfriends and I gave him that moniker BEFORE I ever went to bed with him. Seems I should have remembered! ;)

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  3. flirting is a complex thing, it's a delicate balance, i learned all of my flirting techniques from sitcoms...i'm currently single...

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    1. HAHA! Yeah. I miss getting hit on by one of the aforementioned friends. Always made my day, ah well.

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  4. The "When someone is flirting with you" graphic is great! There have been times in my life where I needed to be reminded, and other times when I wish others knew of this unspoken rule. :)

    Your answer to #2 was very thought-provoking. You put much effort into it. As a (somewhat) mature thirty-six year-old man, I can honestly say that I feel no jealousy in the context of my marriage. But I wasn't always this way. When I was younger I was insecure, and I might go so far as to say that I felt jealousy in more than a couple of my previous relationships. In most cases it was my own issue more than something to do with the other person; in other words while I sometimes had reason to feel jealous, when I was younger it was my own sense of inadequacy causing this. The second paragraph of your answer (beginning with "If my partner doesn't trust me") is spot-on.

    -Jack

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